Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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