Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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