I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
