I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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