I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
