Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
