Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
