girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
