I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize