he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
