I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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