Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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