I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
