I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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