u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize