hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I look better un-naked...
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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