What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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