I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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