Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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