I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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