My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
