Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
