You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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