dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
