Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
