I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
