she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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