THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
