What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
