Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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