oh god the rape fog is back!
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
