but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
