Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
