Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
