I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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