What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
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