i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
