I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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