so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
