I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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