could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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