On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
