Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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