Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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