I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
