dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i out mim tonsoeep
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
