She went from zero to smokin in five shots
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
