dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
