Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
