she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
