Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
