were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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