Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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