This girl is more easily done than said...
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize