My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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