Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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